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Faith's Firm Foundation: Marriage: Love and Respect

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Marriage: Love and Respect

     As you know, we attended a marriage conference last weekend.  As my husband noted, after most marriage conferences the man comes home beat up and the wife thinks she's doing everything right and wonders when her husband's going to "shape up."  This marriage conference was different.  Viewing the DVD series on marriage entitled "Love and Respect" by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs left the men in our group feeling understood and validated, and that is why, if you've been wanting your husband to attend a marriage conference, and he just hasn't been interested, this might be the one for you.  (However, Don't Go And Tell Him That!! Because he will feel disrespected, which is one thing we learned at the conference!)  You see, men hear through Blue Earplugs, Talk through Blue Megaphones, and Filter everything through that Blue!  Women hear through Pink Earplugs, Talk through Pink Megaphones, and Filter everything through that Pink!  Neither is better, just Different!
     Two points that I thought were important for me to remember: 1) Our spouse does not wake up in the morning thinking, "How can I make this person feel miserable and unloved/disrespected."  They are basically "goodwilled" people. (In other words, give them the benefit of thinking of them that way.  2) Generally speaking, men don't take things personally, and they talk to everybody they know the same way (spouse, other guys): so "Just drop it" means they're ready to move on with no hard feelings after a disagreement. Women, on the other hand, need to "Resolve issues" and come full circle: they need to hear you say you're sorry for your tiny percentage of the fault, they need to say they're sorry, perhaps have a good cry, they need to talk it over, know everything's alright, then have some light moment of laughter over something...then they can begin enjoying the activity you were doing together again. (This is, of course, my version and doesn't do the subject justice.)
     Eggerichs is a powerful communicator.  He can, at times, have you in stitches with his hysterical way of telling a story that "really hits home because it's so true" and then, the next minute, have you crying for the same reason.  Because of this, both my husband and I recommend that you buy the DVD version (rather than the book) of this conference, if possible--maybe you and another couple would like to go in on it together, or you could buy it for your church library. Once you've watched the conference, you're going to want to loan it out to others. 
     So, this is a "Book Review," of sorts, but more of a "Conference/DVD Review."  My husband, and many other men, came away with positive comments and we both, as well as many of the other couples with older children, want our kids to watch parts of this conference before they marry.  We think it is eye-opening and will help them to be better prepared for marriage. It helped us to understand one another better, even after 31 years of marriage, and we recommend it to other married couples.  Here is a very brief overview of what we heard, written by my husband.
"Marriage 101:  God created man--God made woman from man for man.  God made man and woman different and with different roles to play.  God made marriage by putting differences together intentionally.  God knew that there would be conflict in marriage (by design) because of this.  Marriage 201:  Man has a need to be respected which a wife can give toward satisfying.  Woman has a need to be loved which a husband can give toward satisfying.  It is not natural for a husband to give love and he cannot fully satisfy a wife's need.  It is not natural for a wife to give respect, and she cannot fully satisfy a husband's need.  God, the Supernatural, must fill our need for love and respect, (some of it through the spouse).  God established marriage to turn hearts to Himself for completion.  Marriage 301:  God designed marriage to be temporary--there is no marriage or marrying in heaven--it's not eternal.  As in all temporal things satan has a powerful influence--to distort, discredit, and destroy.  As in all temporal things, it will be swallowed up in death.  With all temporal things we are to look past them to the eternal.  When we give account before God it will be individually given.  (No couples/blaming allowed.)  Live life here amidst conflict; allow it to turn our lives toward Him for help and our hearts toward Him in hope."
     We heartily recommend this marriage resource for couples!  May you be blessed and your marriage strengthened.


Blogger Jami Balmet said...

This is great thank you! Two other books that I would HIGHLY recommend if you have not read it yet is "The Excellent Wife" for women and "The Exemplary Husband" for the men. Great post, thank you for sharing what you heard at the conference.

November 30, 2009 at 2:19 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

You're so welcome! I actually have "The Excellent Wife" but hadn't heard of "The Exemplary Husband" before! What can you tell me about it--has your husband read it? Would you recommend it? One thing that we learned at the conference is that when we give our husbands a book on marriage, it's like if they gave us a book on dieting:) Not too cool, huh? So, just a word to the wise, as I know that that is something we wives think is the greatest idea! Thanks for the comment, Jami!

December 1, 2009 at 11:45 AM  
Blogger Jami Balmet said...

Sorry it took so long to get back to you! I've been busy this holdiday season!
Yeah "The Exemplary Husband" is the counterpart to "The Excellent Wife". I believe it is forwarded by John McArthur.
And yes, my husband has read it and he loves it!! He's actually the one who baught them for us right before our wedding :)
Haha and well I'm very lucky in that way, my husband loves books ever since we were first dating we have gotten eachother books like this.
I would highly recommend "The Exemplary Husband" to everyone. Next time I know someone getting married I have giving them a set of those books.
Thanks Wendy!

December 10, 2009 at 11:20 AM  

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