Hospitality: Being a Good Guest--The Golden Rule

     In our continuing theme of Hospitality...now that we're actually in a person's home as a guest, how should we behave?  First of all, we are instructed in the Bible to think about the way that we want to be treated, and then treat others that way.  Matthew 7:12--"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets."  This is commonly referred to as the "Golden Rule."
     How does this play out inside another's home? This week and next, I will try to paint for you pictures of visits from two extreme examples of different kinds of guests: the first visit is from the Golden Guest and next week we will be visited by The Ghastly Guest. But let's meet the Goldens.
     Just inside your home, the Golden family enters together. Mom and Dad Golden speak quietly to their children as they take their coats off, the young children staying near their parents until instructed that they may do otherwise, especially since they are in your home for the first time.  The Golden children answer pleasantly and politely when spoken to, are not whiny, do not interrupt, and are cheerfully interested in being shown the toys that your children own and that they are allowed to play with.  They follow the girls/boys of your family and let your children be their guide/host as your children introduce them to their toys, bedroom or play area, and home.  Mrs. Golden inspects where the children will be playing, and makes a mental note as to how it looks when they arrive, in order to return it to this state before they leave.  She also notices any harmful objects or influences that she needs to remove out of reach or sight of her younger children.  She assesses the situation of their play area, and duly reminds her children of proper behavior, and with a smile, leaves them to their play.  (She will never be far away, and will check in frequently.)  The Golden children play carefully with their host's toys, and ask before taking anything else out, always putting one toy/game away before taking another out.  After the Golden children are closer friends with their hosts, perhaps they will take something off the shelf which they know is permitted to be played with, but there will be reserve and care in their behavior, for the Golden parents have trained their children to show care and politeness in the use of other's belongings.  The Golden children will come and ask for help, or instruction as to where to go, when they need to use the bathroom.  The Golden children have been taught the "interrupt rule"--they will come to their mother, putting a hand on her arm or shoulder. Without looking at them, she will put her hand on top of their hand indicating that she is aware of their presence, but she will listen if you are speaking, encouraging you to finish what you are saying, and finish speaking to you. The Golden children, not interrupting their mother's conversation, wait until their mother recognizes an appropriate moment, and looking at them, says, "Yes?"  They don't jump around or tug at their mother's arm or cause a disturbance in any way, but simply stand patiently waiting.  The Golden mother then will accompany her child to make sure that they know where the bathroom is, and help them, if they are young, leaving the room as they found it. The Golden children will not leave a mess, or their mother will quickly clean it up, with their help if they are able. When Mrs. Golden needs to change a diaper or nurse a baby, she quietly asks her hostess where she may do so out of the public eye.  She also asks where to dispose of dirty diapers and follows through to make sure they are not in the house anywhere they might be an offense. Mr. Golden is also responsibly watching the children, so that when Mrs. Golden is busy, they still know exactly what their children are doing.
     The Golden children would not think of opening up cupboards or drawers or doors to rooms which are closed.  The Golden parents have taught their children about public rooms and private rooms.  They will not enter rooms which are private without the host parent's permission.  They will ask their own parent before going where they are not sure it is ok.  The Golden children will not go into private rooms, and especially a parent's bedroom, even to follow after their host's children.  Only after they are much older, and if they know the family extremely well, and for reasons such as to help carry some items the parents have requested or need, will they go into a storage area, separate laundry area, etc. Even then, a parents' bedroom is considered by them off-limits, unless, for instance, instructed that the bathroom within it is for public use.  Even as older children, they would never enter a room if the door is closed, without asking the hostess, and then only for a very good reason.  If, when they are young and with their parents, they are allowed into the host parent's bedroom for some reason, they will not dream of touching anything.  In fact, the Golden children do not touch things that do not belong to them.  Whenever they are in another's home, the Golden parents remind their young children kindly, and with a smile, not to touch, "Just look with your eyes."  The Goldens talk about the beauty of what they see with their children.  Perhaps, at times, the Golden parents will ask permission to pick up an item and hold it for their child to look at while it is still safely in the parent's careful possession.  The Golden parents always model and teach, by word and action, respect for others, kindness, and care for all the things that God has allowed them and others to have, but especial care for others' belongings.  Their family is not stiff and formal, though, but warm and friendly, smiling, and cordial.  They are comfortable and easy to be around. They put you at ease. They take responsibility for their own children, whom they are teaching kindness and love, which is the essence of good manners. At home, they talk about good manners, and the love of Christ which is at the heart of it all.  They explain that, out of love for God and love for others, we act in certain ways, which we call good manners.  The Golden parents can be more and more at ease--though even the Goldens' children aren't perfect--because they have trained, not just taught, their children.  They know that teaching is just telling or explaining what is right or expected, but training is also telling what the consequences will be, and expecting a change in behavior following the teaching, and then following through with the appropriate and forewarned consequences and more teaching, as needed.
     The Golden mom and dad check frequently on their children.  They are even more careful and responsible for their children in another's home than in their own.  If anything is broken by one of their children, they will replace it, and the child will say they are sorry, and will work to pay for the item themself, if old enough.  The Golden family will graciously eat what's put in front of them, and the children will eat at least a little bit.  They may not like everything, but they will not complain or fuss.  They have been trained at home how to be polite.  They are still learning, of course, and their manners can't be expected to be perfect, but their parents are working at home on manners every day and they know not to be loud, to eat some of everything, to thank their hostess politely, and if they are old enough to go off to play, they stay at the table until everyone is finished, and then politely ask the hostess, "Mrs. ____, may I please leave the table."   Thanking her for the delicious meal, they will clear their plate from the table to the kitchen, before quietly going off to play again.  The Golden children (both their boys and girls older than 8) offer to help before and after the meal, and automatically get up and clear the table when the meal is over.  Mrs. Golden and her children always offer to wash the dishes, as well.  When they know the family well, the older children just go ahead and begin to wash dishes, and help get things cleaned up.  When it is almost time to leave--the Goldens neither leave too early nor too late--the parents give their children a 15-minute warning, and the children cheerfully begin to pick up.  Their parents help them get everything back into order, handing the little ones the toys to put into the containers and working with them, rather than doing it all for them, so that the younger ones learn to pick up after themselves and to leave things as they found them.  When The Golden Family leaves--quietly, joyfully, and not so late that everyone is crabby, having stayed up way past their, and your, bedtime--their host's home is pretty much picked up, so there is minimal mess for them to deal with. The Goldens remember everything that they brought with them, keeping it in a place by the door, where they will remember it.  Both the parents and their children thank their hosts warmly.
     When you have had the Golden Guest in your home, you feel blessed and wish to invite them again.

Hospitality: How to Be a Good Guest (continued)

     Ok, so we said it makes your hostess feel good when you respond with joy to her invitation, even if you have to decline it.  Also, if you receive a written invitation to a gathering or party, make sure you respond to the RSVP that is included.  In order to remember to do this, I try to do it as soon as possible.  If you know that you cannot attend, call the hostess immediately and let her know how sorry you are that you will not be able to attend.  If there is another engagement that you are committed to, briefly state that; you don't need to go into great detail.  The goal is to leave her, again, feeling glad that she at least tried!  Assure her that you regret not being able to attend, and, if appropriate, that you hope to be able to come the next time, or to be able to participate should there be another event in the future.  If you are not sure if you can attend, or need to talk to your husband first, put the invitation in your planning notebook or where you keep your things to attend to the next day.  Make a note on the day on your calendar, if necessary, which is a couple of days before the "RSVP by" date.  Include the phone number right there on the calendar and write the event tentatively on your calendar.  (I always put a small ? by it to indicate to myself that it isn't finalized yet.)
     Now!  The evening has arrived.  You have prepared your salad, dessert, or whatever you agreed upon to bring.  Arrive on time.  Do not be late and do not be early.  (If you know the host family well, and there are circumstances for which you cannot be held responsible that will cause you to be a few minutes late, it's not the end of the world...)  And five minutes early is ok.  But do not make a practice of coming late--or early!  Being too early is almost as cardinal a sin as being too late!  Amazing things happen inside a house when the doorbell rings 15 minutes before the guests were supposed to arrive!
     If you were invited a week or two in advance, be sure and confirm with the hostess on the day before the event.  Confirm that everything is still on for your evening together, confirm the time and what you are bringing, and reassure your hostess how much you are looking forward to your evening together (or whatever you will be doing), and express your confidence that it's going to be "so much fun"!  Your hostess is, no doubt, nervous about having you come, no matter how many times she invites people to her home, and reassuring her and predicting success for her event is a gracious way of helping to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy!  By saying so, you will unconsciously be assuring yourself, as well, and you will automatically begin to, if you haven't already, expect it to succeed.
     Now, you have arrived.  At the door, shake hands with your host and hostess and smile!!  Look them in the eye and say, "I'm so glad you invited us!" or "Thank you so much for inviting us!"
     Children should be instructed to be friendly, but quietly wait to be spoken to and then answer politely any questions put to them directly. (They should be taught to respond when an adult speaks to them. When very small, smiling is acceptable, but as they get older, especially, the boys should be taught to reach out their hand, look their host and hostess in the eye, and to give a firm, manly handshake, and say, "Hello, Mr./Mrs. __________." or your children can call a man, "Sir" and a woman "Ma'am".   (If they are meeting them for the first time, you could even teach them to say "how do you do.")  Train your children to look people directly in the eye.   Teach them, at home, in practice sessions, how to meet someone, shake hands (yes, start very young!)  and to ask how the person is--to give a polite greeting.  Teach them how to have a conversation with an adult.  Practice at home.  I'm not talking about waiting until you have a teenager in your house!  Teach your child the minute he can talk...Before he can talk! how to respond when someone speaks to him or her.  If your child doesn't respond the way you would like him/her to, just say to the person, "We're working on that," and leave it at that.  (And do be working on that at home!)
     Take your shoes off and place them neatly out of the way, on a rug, if there is one.  If they are dripping with water or snow, etc., wipe them off well before leaving them so they don't form a giant puddle on your hostess' floor.
     Your hostess may offer to take the dish you are holding in your hands, but, if not, hand it to your husband while you take your coat off.  Wait to be told, or ask politely, "Where would you like us to put our coats?" (if it's not obvious)  Your children should wait by your side politely for you to help them with their coats, if necessary, and your older children should be offering whatever help is needed by you, and then step out of the way.  Try to avoid congestion in the doorway, but don't allow your children to charge on in to another person's home.  Children should be taught never to throw their coats on the floor.  They should hold on to them until you've been told where your hostess wants them.  If you live where there is cold weather, and heavier coats are necessary, move into the room, or entry area, as quickly as possible and close the door to the outside, to prevent cold air from entering and heat from escaping from your host's home.  Always close the door behind you unless instructed to do otherwise!  It all comes down to courtesy and the Golden Rule!  How would you want to be treated.  Now, go the extra mile.
     Tomorrow:  How to Behave in Someone Else's Home