Love and Marriage Series: Courtship Stories: David and Briana

I am thrilled, today, to introduce you to this wonderful couple as we begin the second Courtship Story in our Love and Marriage Series. This is a fun one indeed!  (Did you miss the first one? Go back and read the Courtship Story of Chase and Sarah.)  Well, David and Briana are a couple that, honestly, I didn't know if they were going to get together, though I was sure they were God's will for one another!  In fact, I had been on my knees praying for David, (that's part of another long story), and the Lord impressed on my heart and mind that Briana was the one for him.  I immediately thought, "Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Lord, You're wonderful!" From that time on, I prayed earnestly for them to someday marry.  When Briana called one Sunday morning before church to tell me that they were courting and going to announce it that day (she didn't want me to hear it through the grapevine), I screamed into the phone with excitement!!  We had company at the breakfast table who must have thought I was crazy.  But God is still in the business of bringing a woman to a man--just as He brought Eve to Adam--and He says, "It is very good."  I am so happy that David and Briana are sharing their Courtship Story here and I know that you'll be blessed by them and what God has so graciously done in their lives!

Faith's Firm Foundation:  Please tell us a little about yourselves!

David and Briana:

David and I will have been married for 4 years in May.  We have two fun and energetic boys, Clayton, 3, and Connor, 20 months.  David and I were both raised in Christian homes by wonderful parents.  David is the oldest of 11 children.  He has 9 brothers (one went to be with the Lord in 1997) and 1 sister.  I am the second-born of 7 children.  I have 5 brothers (one went to be with the Lord before he was born) and 1 sister.

 
Faith's Firm Foundation:  Before you were courting and married, did you strive to "keep your heart" for the one you would someday marry? How? Or what things did you do?

Briana:

This is a tough question.  This was something that I struggled with.  My parents really stressed the importance of not flirting with boys.  I didn't really understand or think that it was a big deal.  When I was 17 or 18, the Lord really got a hold of my heart and I wanted to trust and honor my parents in this area.  I am so grateful that the Lord changed my heart!  I know that it has only benefited my marriage today.  We also did a lot of things either as families or with siblings (example: my brother and I would do things with other sets of brothers and sisters. This made for a safe environment--no pressure for pairing up.)  Most of our friends at the time, who were around our ages, had the same mind-set and goals in life.  Most of us were courtship-minded and committed to serving the Lord and waiting on Him.   I really feel that this positive peer pressure was a big help for me!

David:  

My parents instilled in us the importance of waiting until we were ready to be married before thinking about a girl.  By being ready, they meant being prepared, such as; being done with school, having a job that could provide for a family, being emotionally and spiritually mature.  This was freeing for me, knowing that I didn't need to "impress" someone.  It also saved me from the pressures and heartaches of "going-out" and "breaking up."  During this time I was able to focus on helping my family and serving the Lord through children's ministries (church Sunday School, missions trips--local and overseas, and AWANA).  The Lord used this time to strengthen my relationship with Him.

FFF:  What things helped you during the years between graduation and courting?  How did you, and/or your parents, prepare (you) for marriage as you were growing up--or did you/they?

Briana: 

 I don't exactly remember when this was (before or after graduation) but my family was going through the catechism.  The first question in there is, "What is the chief purpose of man?" The answer is, "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."  That gave me a new lease on life.  I knew my purpose, it was to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  I can remember having such a feeling of freedom and relief.  No matter what season in life I was in, I had a purpose.

"I knew my purpose,
it was to glorify God and enjoy Him forever"

My parents taught me life- and home-skills but not with the sole purpose of "preparing me for marriage."  It was more preparing me for life:  they were things I needed to know whether I married or not.  Marriage was not a major push or focus in our home.  We knew marriage was a great and wonderful thing and yes, something to desire (desiring marriage is God-given).  I really appreciate the fact that my parents didn't make us feel like it was our main purpose in life.

I was involved in a girls' Bible Study with 3 other friends.  It was a great time to grow in my walk and relationship with the Lord.  I mentioned before that my parents really encouraged us to serve the Lord.  We went to a church in the inner-city of Minneapolis.  I helped out with the Children's Ministry there.  After I graduated, I did anything and everything to stay busy with that.  I enjoyed it so much!  I also had opportunities to travel and teach children the importance of character and teach them about Jesus and the Bible.  These were precious years in my life.  A quote that I absolutely love is, "Run as hard as you can towards God. When you see someone running beside you, take a second look!"

FFF:  Tell us the story of "how it all began". 

Briana:

David and I have known each other for 23 years.  Many years ago, when my parents became Christians, David's parents were their first Sunday School teachers.  When I was old enough to "know" them, they had moved about 45 minutes from us, and our families would get together only about once or twice a year.  David is almost 5 years older than me, so we didn't really hang-out together.

In 1999 both of our families moved to within 5 minutes of each other.  We would do things together as families, or with siblings.  Because our families grew up together and had known each other for so long, people would always match me up with a Tiemann.  To which I would reply something like this, "I will never marry a Tiemann and especially not David."  This was for no specific reason--I just have the personality that if someone expects me to do something, I do the opposite (not a trait I am always proud of.)

What makes you think that he would look your way now?

Well, the Lord had different plans.  In January of 2005, the Lord started to change my heart.  All of a sudden I started thinking about David and even liking him more than just a friend.  Oh, boy, this really scared me.  I didn't know what to do, but the Lord prompted me to talk to my mom.  I told her kind of round about, and she sent me to Dad.  This was a scary step for me.  I had never told my Dad that I "liked" someone before.  I remember this day like it was yesterday.  In my family, any time that we were "in trouble" or needed to talk with Dad, we would "meet" in my parents bedroom.  My Dad would sit in a chair and we would sit on their bed.  My heart was beating so fast as I told my Dad about my feelings.  He listened and then brought me back to reality.  He said something along these lines, "Don't expect anything to EVER happen.  He is 5 years older than you.  You have known each other for a long time.  What makes you think that he would look your way now?  This is my advice, don't treat him any different than you do now.  Focus on your relationship with the Lord and continue serving Him."  He then asked me if I wanted the Lord to move in David's heart or did I want to be the one that flirted and "moved" David's heart.  That stuck with me.  I really did want the Lord to bring us together, if that was His will.  I didn't ever want to live with the lingering thought that maybe I flirted enough to "catch him."  We then prayed together and I was determined to put David out of my mind.  

"I was determined

to put David out of my mind"

Dad told me that he was always available to talk, but he wasn't going to bring it up so as not to cause me to dwell on David.  I then went straight up to my room to work on my Bible Study.  The study that I was working on at the time was in 1 and 2 Samuel and 1 and 2 Kings.  So I opened my study book and my Bible and what would I be reading about? King David!  Well, so much for putting him out of my mind! This was going to be harder than I thought!
 
Please return next Monday to the Love and Marriage Series' Courtship Stories, when we'll continue by hearing how Briana succeeded, (or didn't) at getting David out of her mind!

Love and Marriage Series: Courtship Stories: Chase and Sarah (Part 3)

(Please enjoy Chase and Sarah's Courtship Story Part 1 and Courtship Story Part 2!)

The Engagement

On our 8-month anniversary, Chase got permission to take me out on a date. I was very excited about it. He took me to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Olive Garden. Afterwards, he drove to a county park where he had hired a horse-drawn carriage to take us for a ride around the park. Inside the carriage was a basket filled with some of my favorite snacks and roses. After a little while of riding in the carriage, Chase got down on one knee, pulled a ring out of his pocket and asked me if I would marry him. I said yes. We came home to find both families gathered at my familyʼs house ready to celebrate and hear the story. Obviously, everyone was sure of my answer. It was a very special night, and I was so happy!

How long was our engagement? Our engagement was about 15 months. We were engaged in June, and I really wanted to get married in the fall (my favorite season). So, if that was going to happen, our engagement would be either 3-4 months or 15-16 months. 3-4 months seemed super fast, and I didnʼt want to breeze through this very special time of my life, so I leaned towards setting the date for the following fall.  Originally that seemed like a long time, especially as we were both (and had been) so sure of each other. At the time, we decided to each sit down and make a list of the pros and cons of waiting 15 months to get married.
This is what we came up with:

Chase:
Pros:
1. Iʼll have less financial pressure
2. It gives us more time to decide on housing
3. It gives the girl of my dreams the wedding of her dreams
4. It forces us to build a strong relationship before having children become a part of that
5. We would learn genuine love through having to wait.

Cons:
1. If I buy an existing house soon, it could be tough to own and not live there
2. It involves lots of driving (to be with each other).

Sarah:
Pros:
1. Chase will have more time to save for the future and start out with a smaller debt
2. I will have more time to learn the skills of a Proverbs 31 woman
3. We will learn to live out the test of genuine love: “Genuine love can always wait to give; lust cannot wait to get”
4. We will draw closer to the Lord through learning patience and be able to bring that into our relationship
5. We will learn to work through problems and have a deeper and closer relationship coming into the marriage. We will be making a commitment based on a greater understanding of what weʼre committing to
6. It will strengthen our communication skills
7. Weʼll be able to enjoy the time of engagement: the fun and details of planning the wedding and taking time to look for housing. There will be greater availability of everything involved in the wedding planning because weʼll be planning ahead.
8. I will be able to experience my dream of a wedding and anniversaries in the fall, my favorite season; and there will be less threat of rain, snow, heat, and other bad weather.
9. It gives my parents time to save and budget for the costs of the wedding.

Cons:
1. We will need to set protective guidelines for ourselves, which may be inconvenient for ourselves and others.
2. We will experience outside pressure from others and spiritual pressure from the Enemy who does not want God to be glorified through our relationship.

Budget

One other thing we worked on during our engagement was reading through a book by Larry Burkett on budgeting, for young couples. It was excellent! After going through it, Chase worked on a budget based on his income. He brought it to me, and we went over it together. He also talked it over with my dad. It was great to establish a budget before getting married, and Chase started practicing using the budget, as it applied, before we were married. I would highly recommend this book!

The M&M Jar

On one of our month anniversaries (of our courtship/engagement), I gave Chase a jar filled with peanut M&Ms, 1 for each day counting down to the wedding day. On the day of our wedding, he ate the last M&M and was able to open the small box I had placed on the bottom of the jar. Inside the box was my purity ring with a note:

“To you I give this ring,

this ring which is a symbol,

a symbol of my commitment;

my commitment to you before I ever knew you,

a symbol of my love;

my love before I loved you,

a symbol of my honor;

my honor before I would honor you,

a symbol of my purity;

for I have kept myself pure for you.

To you I give this ring,

which is now replaced with another.

One symbolized commitment, love, honor

and purity to the unknown;

one symbolizes commitment, love, honor

and purity to you.

Chase, to you, this day I give myself.

Forever Yours,

Sarah

I had gotten this idea from another girl, who had used regular M&Ms, but I used peanut M&Ms because I knew they were a favorite of Chaseʼs.

To answer the question as to how old we were: When we started courting, Chase was 20 and I was 22. When we got married, Chase was 22 and I was 24. 

Thank you for letting us share our courtship story! This is a special story God has given us, and we love to share it! Our story is OUR story, and we know that God has a different story for everyone. He is so creative, and we love to hear all the different ways He weaves a “love story”. Though this time in our lives was full of great memories it was also one of the most trying and testing times of our lives. There were battles to be fought around every corner and many moments (sometimes days in a row) full of tears and struggles within us. But we can see now that it was those “strong winds” that gave our relationship deep roots and were foundational to building a strong marriage.  The storms will always eventually come, and we were blessed to experience so many “storms” before our marriage! In our few years of marriage we have faced many storms, but the storms have only made our marriage stronger and our love for each other deeper. We thank the Lord for the story He gave us and the story He is continuing to work out in our lives! Praise be to God!

What's A New Wife To Do? (Part 1)

An Article for Newlyweds or Those Just Getting Married written today by Heather Paulsen, author of the book, "Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart", on her blog, prompted my thoughts to return to the first days of my marriage. Heather encourages Newlyweds to back off, so to speak, from activities and commitments in their first year of marriage (please read the article for her own words) and focus on their marriage.  I agree, to a point. I had already written a post, but not published it yet, on a subject relating to this, so it led me to think even more of our first days and years of marriage. Let me share my story, and another side of being a Newlywed.

My early days of marriage were one bump after another on a long, rocky road. My earliest recollection of married life is of me standing in front of the full-length mirror in our bedroom. Within days of returning home from our honeymoon, I stood looking at myself in the mirror and realized I had no idea who I was. I felt like I'd lost my identity. I had been telling a well-rehearsed story of who I was, in the context of my family's somewhat dramatic story, for as long as I could remember. Our family name was unique, which required that I spell it for people, but I always liked that. My father's family had a one-of-a-kind story and a hundred members, just to the level of cousins. Who I was had always been inextricably linked with my last name and family identity--superglued to it, in fact. It felt like, now, that was gone. There was a time when I thought that I should have kept my maiden name, but I didn't know then what amazing symbolism there is in taking on your husband's name.

But that day as I stood there looking in the mirror, saying my new married name out loud, I thought, "Who on earth is that?" There was no picture of a person that came to mind when I said my new name. I was in the midst of an identity crisis. Was I supposed to become like my husband in everything? We were polar opposites! Was I supposed to do everything his way, and only please him (which seemed to me meant not having "my way" in anything)? If I changed to fit into the family name I now possessed, what would become of the "real me".  I felt lost. I felt the very essence of who I was being swept aside.

My husband was quiet, I loved to talk; he was a morning person, I loved staying up late; I was relational and energized by being with people, he liked being alone and felt drained by being with people. He liked working on projects and fixing things and checking things off a long To-Do list. I liked meeting new people and doing new things, analyzing people and building relationships. He thrived on absolute, rigid routine, was always on time and reliable. I thrived on spontaneity, was very bubbly, energetic, loved to start new projects but had trouble finishing them, was able to relate to people well--I was frequently late, but placed more importance on dropping everything to help a friend or be there to meet a need, then living by a schedule. I was a city girl and he was a country boy. This was the "short" list of some of the differences we faced.

Our differences came to a head on one particular night I vividly remember which took place very early in our marriage. It was a Monday night. Monday night, for my husband, was laundry night. Having lived alone for many years prior to our marriage, he had his routine down to a science, and saw no reason to change now. When we got married, I was excited about staying home to be a "wife" and, having quit my job, threw myself into learning to take care of a "home" (just a 2-bedroom apartment) and a husband. Though young and inexperienced in the ordinary household duties and responsibilties, I looked forward to trying and learning. The process itself was fun to me! The planning was every bit of the experience, and it was part of my finding my new "identity" to find out how to run our "home," and to be able to "do things for my man." So, on this memorable Monday, when, in the course of the ritual of laundry night, he told me just exactly how to hang up his pants in the closet, even demonstrating it for me, and gave me instructions on how I was to do our laundry, I did not take it well! I can still remember the scene. I felt insulted. I felt offended. What right did he have to tell me how to do laundry?! Didn't he believe that I was capable of doing anything without instruction?! The truth is, that my selfish and unloving motives were exposed, and my pride was hurt, when he was simply telling me how to please him better in doing this menial, but important, task for our family. If I truly were interested in finding out how to run our home and do things "for him", I would have been happy to learn this information, right?

After 32 years of marriage, I now realize that:  my husband was using his spiritual gift of "teaching," he was acting out his personality type of engineer, and even more importantly, he was and is a man. This means, he sees the world in a vastly different way than I do as a woman. He was simply sharing information which he felt would be helpful to me, in order for his world to continue spinning in an orderly fashion, as it always had done.

Neither my husband nor I understood much about marriage, or each other, when we got married, though we'd dated for 2 years and gone through 3 months of pre-marital counseling with our pastor, including personality tests, prior to our wedding day! We had a lot to learn. I had a lot to learn.

One of the things I had to learn was that I was no longer an "individual" person! The two shall become one flesh, God says in Genesis 2:24. And Jesus says in Matthew 19:4ff: And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said , For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."  We two individuals both had to die so that Christ in each of us could live Himself out in and through our marriage.

We brought many expectations of life and each other into our marriage, though we didn't realize it. He thought his life would stay pretty much the same: he kept on working at the same job, and thought he should keep most of his same routines, such as working on his To-Do list and projects every evening until bedtime. He really didn't understand that getting married changed his world drastically. He expected I should have little or nothing to do with my parents (because I needed to leave them, and "cleave" to him) and he expected that I would not talk to them or any of my friends on the phone in the evenings (the only time they were home) or be with them (because I was married and would be with him). I expected that he and I would be together every moment when he wasn't working and that we would do fun things together, and with other couples. He expected that we would stay home and save money every way we could. He also expected that we would go to his parents' home to help his mom with processing the acre of garden produce that she had and was sharing with us--every weekend of the first three months of our marriage. I expected to continue hanging out with our group of single friends. I expected that I would have enough to do to be able to fill up my daytime hours with taking care of our tiny apartment and doing things for my husband. This last expectation is why this story relates to Heather Paulsen's post for Newlyweds.

I was extremely busy before marriage working full-time, going every evening to exercise at a women's workout facility, planning our wedding, having showers, etc. etc. etc.--you know the routine. Just before the wedding I quit everything:  I backed off from all activities to concentrate on marriage. I quit my job. My husband didn't think it necessary for me to go somewhere to exercise, and also it saved money, so I quit that. We moved half an hour away from our church, family, and friends--which may not seem like much, but in the inner city, I was moving 3 suburbs away, which was another world. I had no ministry, no friends, no life, and my husband didn't understand what I was experiencing--his life basically hadn't changed, or so he thought.  Three months after our wedding day, I was extremely depressed.

God used this time of deep loneliness and depression to cause me to grow in Him.  (It didn't happen overnight, but took years, but it did happen.) However, God removed every possible source of support in my life so that I would *have* to turn to Him. Though God used those experiences in our first years of marriage, I wouldn't say that I would wish that on anyone. I have often thought back on what could have made those early days different.

One simple fact was that I didn't have enough to do. I needed something to do during the day. I needed to meet some other stay-at-home wives. The church we attended was a distance away, as were all our friends, but our single friends basically "dropped" us once we got married, so the distance really wasn't as much of  a factor. The few friends I had were working. Everyone expected that we were ecstaticly happy and that we wanted to be left alone.  There was no one I could talk to (and my husband was very sensitive, as most men would be, about anything I might say about him to someone else and of course I wanted to be loyal). To make matters worse, for awhile I had no car. Every effort I did make failed. (I thought I would brush up on my piano playing, and tried to get permission to use the piano at a church nearby our apartment building which I could walk to, for practice, but they wouldn't give me permission without a formal request made to the church board which wasn't going to be meeting until the end of the summer.) This was how my story went, it seemed. Every door closed.

I have come to the conclusion that it would have been beneficial for me to have a ministry during the daytime hours--not something draining or demanding of my time--but something which involved other people, got me out of the apartment, and which involved giving of myself in service and involved using my spiritual gift(s). The internet didn't exist at that time, but now, I think that I would search for a solid, Biblical church in the area which had some ministries during the daytime, or better yet, a moms group. Though I didn't have children, this would have, at least, put me in touch with other women from the area, and other couples. They would, possibly, have been able to put me in touch with those who organized the ministries of the church, or they would have known of needs perhaps which a person with time and energy would be blessed to meet. Perhaps an older widow in the area who was also lonely, or who needed groceries bought, or needed to be taken to doctors' appointments, etc. Maybe a young mom with kids who needed a helping hand once in awhile. It's amazing that there can be someone willing to minister, but unable to find areas to serve. And it's amazing, but true, that sometimes newlyweds aren't in a "bubble" and so, we shouldn't expect that they always are, and leave them alone. I believe that it's unhealthy to their marriage, that it's unbiblical and that it encourages selfishness in a new couple. So, though Paulsen's comments are good, and I would agree that we should discourage extreme busyness and over-involvement on the part of a newlywed couple, (especially if it means they're going in separate directions) I don't advocate dropping "everything" when you are a newlywed. I would encourage courting/dating and engaged couples to be involved in ministry, and involved in relating to and having friends of all ages and both single and married, and pray about what ministry they will continue to be involved in after marriage--preferably together--but to ask, "How will a new keeper-at-home use her gifts and time to serve others and the Lord, and be busy while her husband is at work, after they are married?" There is, in this area, a large ministry for older women to support and encourage young newlywed wives. I deeply wish that there had been an older woman in my life during that time.

To hear the end of the story, go to "What's A New Wife To Do? (Part 2). (Also, for more on "Love and Marriage" type those words in the Search box in the sidebar, and please grab the button for the series).