What's A New Wife To Do? (Part 2)

Please return to read "What's A New Wife To Do? (Part 1)".

As Newlyweds, my husband and I had a lot of maturing, generally, to do.  But more than that, we had a lot of maturing in Christ to do.  We were not living as Spirit-filled, Spirit-led Christians.  We were being led by our flesh, and doing what our selfish desires told us.  We were living carnally, as Romans 8 says.

3 For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: 4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. 5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. 6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

We needed to die to self, and live to Christ.  Many couples come into marriage with a "max amount I'm going to compromise or give" figure in their hearts. I'll come this far, give this much, and no further.  They haven't consciously thought that, but it's there.  The way I know this is that we often hear the question, "Why do I always have to be the one to give in?"  When we find ourselves thinking, "I'm not giving in!  It's his/her turn!" the result is strife, resentment and bitterness. I had to learn to, figuratively, look up and beyond my husband, to Christ, and see that all the "giving in" and "giving up" and "serving" and "submitting" was done to, and for, Christ, though acted out to my husband.  I'm still learning this lesson, and probably will be until I die.

Can I ever serve, or submit to Christ too much?  No matter how much I "sacrifice", it's inconsequential to what Christ did for me! My attitude, not the act, is at the heart of the issue--do I do it willingly and lovingly, or do I do it resentfully, keeping track of every little "sacrifice"? Do I hang on to my "rights", and get angry, or do I surrender all to Christ and become meek like Him?  The attitude is the part I control, and am responsible for, though it still is the Spirit that works in me to do it, and God's Spirit in me is the "oil" that lubricates all the loving acts and attitudes to flow.  This isn't natural, this dying to self and surrendering to God.  It's supernatural! It's only possible if we, first, have given Jesus Christ our lives and control of them.  It's only possible if we surrender daily, and in everything, to His Lordship.  We need to get on our knees and ask for His grace and power to surrender.  "If He's not Lord of All, He's not Lord at All."


Some thoughts from Amy Carmichael's little book, "If--What do I Know of Calvary Love?"
If...

there be any reserve in my giving to Him
who so loved that He gave
His Dearest for me;
if there be a secret "but" in my prayer,
"Anything but that, Lord,"
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If...
something I am asked to do for
another feels burdensome;
if, yielding to an inward unwillingness,
I avoid doing it,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If...
I myself dominate myself,
if my thoughts revolve around myself,
if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have 'a heart at leisure from itself,'
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If...
the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold,
I do not shut the door,
and in the power of Him who
works in us to will and to do,
keep that door shut,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If...
I cannot in honest happiness take the second place
(or the twentieth);
if I cannot take the first without
making a fuss about my unworthiness,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

Do I cling to my selfishness, fearing what surrender would bring, when God has only bid me "Come," and will provide what I need once each new step of obedience is taken? What does my hesitancy say about my lack of love and trust of Him? 


We need to surrender to Him all our fears, all our selfish desires, all our rights, (this isn't about our spouse, it's about our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ), and let Him do a mighty work in us.  Our Lord who left His identity of Ruler, Master, Lord and King, and left always having perfect oneness and being in the Presence of His Father, God, to come to earth as a baby, is our example.  Our Lord, who in the Garden of Gethsemane, with heart-wrenching tears and sweating drops of blood, (after He had cried out to God three times, Please isn't there some other way!) said "Not My will, but Thine be done." We need to follow His example, Who in the hour of His deepest need, did the lowliest service to His undeserving, selfish, clueless disciples, by washing their stinky, dirty feet.  We need more love to Him.  We need more of Calvary Love.

More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!
Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Valentine's Day: Speaking Your Spouse's Love Language

Now that you're married, has the romance gone out the door?  It's easy to have happen.  It takes a little intentionality to not let it leave with all the busyness and ordinariness of day-to-day living. What is romance, anyway?  And, is it really necessary? Well, my unauthoritative definition of what is "romantic" has come to be: "Dynamic Attentiveness coupled with Gentle Tenderness".  Before marriage, he knows where she is every moment. Arm over the back of her chair, he leans toward her, gazing into her eyes at their favorite restaurant. When he is not there, she is thinking of him, waiting to be with him. She's aware of his presence and knows if he's looking at her from across the room. He can't take his eyes off of her. He calls her "sweetheart" and she takes care of his every need with tender-loving care. She looks up at him with eyes that say, "I know you can do anything. And you could have chosen anyone, but you chose me."  He caresses her face and she tenderly moves a stray hair from his forehead. Loving tones characterize their relationship.  Attentiveness and Gentleness. This is simply making someone *feel loved*.  While this kind of romantic focus realistically can't be continued 24/7 throughout our married life (or we wouldn't get anything done!), when's the last time you looked at him and communicated that, in your eyes, he can do anything! This is men's universal language:  respect, but we also all have a Love Language, which, when spoken, makes us sit up straight and take notice. When someone speaks our Love Language, we understand, and feel profoundly loved.  Isn't that at the core of romance?  Following are some simple ideas for saying "I Love You" that they'll understand this Valentine's Day. (Or any day!) While you don't have to get a babysitter for most of these, I would like to punctuate these ideas by saying, "Having a 'date night' (or at least a date on these special holidays) is a fabulous idea to keep your love alive and remind yourselves that you're a couple, not just mom and dad." Start a habit that will help, not hurt, your marriage. However, I hasten to add that, your children need to see you showing some affection (appropriately) towards each other at home. Little children will giggle and act embarrassed, but don't always send them away. And, I might add, that the popular notion that you must have a "date night" and you *need* to "get away" for a weekend or a vacation without your children in order to have a good marriage, is simply not true. Perhaps just the opposite. Children should be included in, for example, getting that "special meal" ready for Daddy, even on Valentine's Day. They should see you kiss occasionally and hear you say, "I love you so much." There is nothing more secure for a child than knowing that Mommy and Daddy love each other.  This is also their training ground for how they will act in their own marriage, as well.

First, if you don't know what your honey's Love Language is, think about how he shows *you* love. We ladies tend to fall back on our own Love Language at birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine's Day--we know what we would like, so surely they would like it, too, right? Well, how's that workin' for ya? If not so good, try looking at how he shows you love for some clues to what makes him feel loved. Does he write you little "love notes", buy you cards, and easily say words of affirmation and encouragement? Is he a talker? Then, quite possibly, "Words of Encouragement" is his Love Language.  Is he quick to give you backrubs and loves to hold hands, or puts his arm around you whenever possible? Does he hug his buddies in a manly way in greeting when they get together? Does he frequently touch the arm or shoulder of the person that he's talking to? Well, then, a good guess is that "Physical Touch" is his LL. These examples are ways you can show him love, too.  If your sweetie's a "Server" he will really appreciate little signs that you love him, such as: washing his car or truck and cleaning out and vacuuming the inside, too; ironing his shirts and having them all hung neatly in the closet; and doing whatever tedious tasks are draining him will also shout "I love you" to a "Server." Another way to show love to your Server spouse is to make his favorite meal from scratch, including dessert! Remember to serve him by setting a pretty table and doing those little extras (Does he especially like his coffee piping hot? Or does he love your homemade salad dressing that takes a little more effort to make? Or does he like it when all the dishes are cleaned up before you sit down to eat?)  Whatever you know he prefers, do those little things that say "I love you."

If your spouse's Love Language is "Quality Time," obviously they will just want "time" with you. But something we tend to forget is that all husbands want and *need* our focus and attention to be on them when we're together sometimes. Distracted time can be worse than no time at all.  He wants you to be there--all there--too, sometimes, and look in his eyes, listen to him, asking appropriate questions which prove you're listening--and really show you care.  Now, if your guy is one whose Love Language is "Quality Time", he may feel very loved when you just spend time side-by-side with him.  Even just being there while he's working on something makes a guy feel loved (go figure!) So, you don't have to go out and spend a lot of money on some big outing. Just go with them and be there alongside them while they're doing something that *they* enjoy; you don't even have to be talking(!) And, don't act like a martyr! Talk about a romance-killer! Who wants to be with a martyr?  This is the attitude that, "Now I've made the *supreme sacrifice* of doing this activity that I hate with you, because you love it, and now *you really owe me*!"  Better to find an activity that both of you can enjoy, than to have a martyr attitude.  But, do a heart checkup: If I can't sacrifice a little time doing something that maybe isn't my favorite thing to do, to communicate that I love you, how much do I really love?  Have I become "me-centered" and selfish in my relationship?  If your hubby has a project which takes his time away from being with you, see if you can figure out how to go and be with him while he's working on it.  Many years ago, before we had any kids, and before I had ever heard of this idea, my husband did some reupholstery work on the side to make a little extra money, and he rented a heated garage a little ways from our home where he would go to work on his projects.  I got tired of feeling "jealous" of his projects.  So, I would go and set up a chair and sit and do handwork, sometimes talking, but mostly just being there with him.  To a guy, you don't have to be talking to each other, to connect. Try this, and believe me, he'll feel loved.

The best-known Love Language (and especially emphasized at Valentine's Day) is "Gift-Giving".  If gift-giving is difficult for you, but your spouse speaks this language fluently, you would do well to study up! There's going to be a test at the end! A gift-giver gives not only a gift, but time, thought, energy and love with every gift! They tend (for right or wrong) to expect the same from us!  There's an old story (which I am paraphrasing) of an island-dwelling man who walked miles to obtain the perfect gift, a shell of great beauty and value, and when he gave the gift, the object of his affection exclaimed compassionately her sorrow that he'd had to make such a long journey for the gift! The answer was: "Long walk--part of gift!"  How far are we willing to "walk" to say I love you?  Take time to think of what would make your spouse feel really special. Often, they will give hints, if you are paying attention! They will make a comment, or admire something wistfully, in your presence. If you're alert you'll make a note, and go to whatever effort is necessary, to get it. Why will they feel special? Because you were paying attention, and the time and effort "are part of the gift"! Tell your spouse that you went to 10 different stores to find just the perfect gift, if you did! Stating the obvious, Valentine's Day isn't the time for that "practical" gift, (unless you're married to an engineer, like me).  Don't you love the "In the Doghouse" commercials from 2008 that JCPenney has been running recently and over the last couple of years?  They are successful and hysterically funny...because they're so true!  They are meant more for men than women, but I still say that if you've been getting into trouble with the gifts you've given lately, watch these commercials and take notes. This is not to say that your gift has to cost a lot of money, or that only a jewelry gift will do for women! Not at all!! That would be missing the point. Your gift should cost something of *you* and be thoughtful of him and his likes. A handmade, but lowcost, gift that you put a lot of thought into, may be the most special gift of all! To a spouse with a gift-giver Love Language, that will say "I love you" in a way they can really receive.

So, study your mate and think and pray about how to say "I love you" so they feel loved. It isn't about you feeling good, but making your spouse know how much you care. Don't belittle the way they're wired, though it may make no sense to you. If all else fails, ask them, "How can I tell you how much I love you this Valentine's Day?" and mean it, and be ready to take action, if they give you suggestions. By learning to speak your spouse's Love Language, and with thought, attention, and gentle kindness, romance will be alive and well in your marriage, at Valentine's Day and every day!

"Love and Marriage": God's Way

The state of marriage is in serious decline.  Perhaps perilously near extinction, some say.  Divorce rates skyrocket. Sin abounds. What, then, is there to be encouraged about in a study of "Love and Marriage"?


Studying and following God's ways in love and marriage is encouraging.  Not without its trials, but rewarding, joyful and fruitful.  As we begin this series on "Love and Marriage" today we're going at it under the assumption that God has something to say to us, that there are successful marriages for our example and that God's Plan is always good, and following it brings blessing.


God's Plan:
God brought the first wife to the first husband and made a statement about His plan:

"And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh:  she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife:  and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:22-24)

One man, one woman.  No longer two, but one.  Lifelong covenant.  Faithfulness.


Does that mean marriage is problem-free?  No. Soon after God brought Eve to Adam, sin entered the world, and marriage, as everything else, was marred forever.  As long as marriage is between a sinful man and a sinful woman...with sin comes, well, a host of ills.  We live in a sin-sick world.  But Jesus has promised, "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)  These hopeful words Jesus gave just before He died on the cross to pay for our sins, and God brought Him back to life again, triumphing over sin, death and the grave.  The same power that raised Jesus Christ from the grave is available to all who will believe in Him.  He has overcome!  Believing in Him results in His Spirit living within us and we have the same power within us that raised Him from the dead, so that we can live new lives. Romans 6:4 says, "...that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."  That also means new marriages through the power of God in Christ. It's a new day!


I'm encouraged, because when men and women, Christians, inhabited by God's Holy Spirit, let God transform them by the renewing of their minds, through reading His Word and obedience to it, not following or conforming to what they see around them, they do prove what is that good and acceptable, and perfect will of God. (Romans 12:2)  Loving one another as Christ loved us, by the power at work within us, the world will be changed, the marriage of each man and woman will be changed, and all who come in contact with them will feel the impact.
Ephesians 3:20-21 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, (21) Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.


Additional verses for your study:
Ephesians 1:17-20, 22-23; 2:1-10:
"That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him:...that ye may know...what is the exceeding greatness of His power to us-ward who believe, accordng to the working of His mighty power. Which He wrought in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead, and set Him at His own right hand in the heavenly places...And hath put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be the head over all things to the church, Which is His body, the fullness of Him that filleth all in all.
And you hath He quickened (made to live again), who were dead in trespasses and sins; wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world...: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.
But God, Who is rich in mercy, for His great love wherewith He loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us (made us alive) together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves:
it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. 

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them."

2 Peter 1:3:
According as His divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him that hath called us to glory and virtue.

(All Scripture, unless otherwise noted, is taken from the King James Version.)
  

Resources:
 
Marriage Divine Style, 6 Audio Cassettes, By John MacArthur, Jr.
 

Marlow and Frances Cowan's Mayo Clinic Piano Duet and Interview

The Duet by The "Sweetest Couple"

Followed by an Interview with The Cowans