It's Impossible

The quote I posted yesterday I heard when listening to an Elisabeth Elliot message (go to the bottom of this blog, and click on the first link under "Moving Messages" to hear "A Stronghold of My Life" and other great messages by her).  Prompted by those words which I found really helpful in daily learning how to keep a quiet heart, I  wanted to see if there were other quotes out there by Francis De Sales.


I came across this quote which I found very humbling and challenging, for I'm sure that I do not possess this quality.  Yet, I see that it's a quality that Christ demonstrated.  So, I pray that He will manifest it in me somehow.  How does one go about growing in this aspect of Christlikeness?

“The person who possesses Christian meekness is affectionate and tender towards everyone: he is disposed to forgive and excuse the frailties of others; the goodness of his heart appears in a sweet affability that influences his words and actions, presents every object to his view in the most charitable and pleasing light.”
Francis De Sales (1567-1622)


My conclusion:
Without Christ, it is impossible, but "With God, all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26)

A Monument to a Man of Integrity: George Washington

The Washington Monument

"George"

 "Martha"

  The Character of George Washington:

"...pious, just, humane, temperate and sincere...

his example was as edifying to all around him,

as are the effects of that example lasting."

 Photos below are what you see from the windows at the

top of the Washington Monument.

Envy and Surmising: Have You Let Them In?

Proverbs 14:30--"A sound heart is the life of the flesh:  but envy the rottenness of the bones."
Proverbs 23:17--"Let not thine heart envy sinners:  but be thou in the fear of the LORD all the day long."


"Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?" the Bible says (Proverbs 27:4).  Does your normal "contented" state of being somehow go out the window at Christmas?  Do you look around at others and want what they have? No matter what our status:  marital, financial or other, this time of year we are encouraged to think about "what we want" that we don't have.  After Christmas you may hear the question, "Did you get what you wanted for Christmas?"  Though these questions in themselves may be innocent, Envy is anything but.  The Bible doesn't look at it as innocent, and so we should take a good hard look within and make sure it hasn't slipped in the door unnoticed.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7--

^"4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, ⁵Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; ⁶Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth."

Let me ask you, "Is it hard for you to invite others to your home because you don't think your home is as nice as someone else's?"  Do you find yourself saying, "If only I had _____" (you fill in the blank)?  Do you find yourself wracking your brain to figure out how you can find the money to get that "thing"......"We have to have that......how come everyone else can afford to go, or do, or have?"

Yesterday, I began an allegorical story about a family and I introduced you to two sisters, "Bitterness and Self-Pity," who are actually twin sisters, and who almost never go anywhere without each other.  Today, their brother and another sister are joining us, but it's no pleasure to be around them, let me tell you. Where Bitterness leaves off, and Self-Pity usually hurts only herself, Envy takes action.


1 Timothy 6:6-8--
"But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.  And having food and raiment let us be therewith content."


Envy is wicked.  She spits and spews out venom from her mouth, and scorches all her relationships with the burning desire she has to have what others have.  She is never satisfied.  For all around her she sees the happiness, the richness, the pleasure, the beauty in relationships and things which she does not think she has, but she wants, (but in truth, she will never be happy, no matter how much she has because of her own envy and covetousness).  It doesn't matter how much Envy has, she always wants more.  (Do you see any family resemblance between her and her cousin, Ingratitude?  Sometimes I do.) 


In the beginning, we may allow Envy to come to our homes and lives to peek in the window, or sit at our table briefly.  We would never openly invite her in.  But we're hardly aware of her presence, as she looks over our shoulder or drools over the things we see.  She says things like, "Oh, isn't that beautiful!" or "Wow, is she ever lucky!"

Definition of ENVY (from Merriam Webster's online dictionary) 

1

: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage

Glass half-empty or half-full??

You may have seen her next to you when you were looking at your best friend's photos of the trip she took recently, or when you went to the Bible Study and Christmas Tea and all you could see was the home of the hostess and her lovely, "perfect" it seemed to you, home filled with beautiful furniture and decorations.  It almost made you decide not to attend anymore.  Was that Envy?  She's hard to recognize sometimes.  She loves to disguise herself.  Envy likes to look "appropriate," so she oftentimes waits just a little while before buying that thing that she has envied, and she even covers up her true character at times by ridiculing something that someone else has, but that she secretly wants, to "prove" that she doesn't want it at all.  In her heart, though, she believes that she "deserves" what she envies in someone else's life, and that if only she had it, then she would be happy.  She covets what she sees, and her eyes are never full.

Envy's brother, Surmising Accuser, is the sneakiest family member, though.  I am certain you have met him, and perhaps even in some fine Christian homes!!  Sometimes he is known by other nicknames, such as Assuming, Conjecturing, and Guessing, or nicer names such as Realistic.  But, he gets everyone around him in trouble, tripping them into sin, all the time!  Constantly prophesying and predicting, he will tell you what people are thinking--what you are thinking--what they will do, how they feel about things that have happened--why, he will even tell you how they feel and think about things that haven't happened, but he surmises that they will happen!  The worst part about him is that he never assumes anything GOOD! 

He follows up his assumptions of wrongdoing in others with an accusation, hence his middle name, Accuser.  He assumes the worst:  in people, in situations, in outcomes.  He guesses how things are going to happen, and states them as fact, without much mercy or grace.  He conjectures that the responses of others will be negative or bad--in word and deed, that all will go wrong, and he predicts that things will turn out badly every time.  He doesn't stop at thinking, but he reports his predictions.  He causes those he reports to to think evil, too.  He thinks he is speaking truth, but he has forgotten to speak the truth in love (if it is truth), and to think on "whatsoever things are of good report."


Philippians 4:8--
⁸Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.


He often looks pretty good, quite "righteous"!  He appears to be the best of the family, and it can be difficult to actually cast him out, because of appearances--he's not really doing anything wrong--or is he??


May we be alert to any sign of the presence of this "family of  bad characters" lurking around this Christmas, and be quick to cast them out.

Link to "What Hill Are You Dying On?"

Joanne at Blessed (One So Blessed) has written an excellent post for Exemplify Online that, if you are a woman (wife or daughter), you need to read.  I related to it all too well.  It is entitled: "What Hill Are You Dying On?"  In answer to that question, some of us would have to say, "Why, every hill! There are none too small!"  I find myself challenging and correcting my husband, and also my children, all too often, setting up a confrontational home environment.  The Lord has convicted me that it is pride.

 Only by pride cometh contention:

but with the well advised is wisdom.  

Proverbs 13:10 (KJV)

When pride cometh, then cometh shame:

but with the lowly is wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2 (KJV)

I was raised by a dad who demanded absolute respect and obedience.  Unfortunately, he had a rebellious daughter.  He said everything dogmatically. So did I.  He was prone to say, "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"  And I would be looking somewhere else thinking about what I was going to say next! Ready always to defend myself, or correct that little thing he said wrong! (In later years, he mellowed, I got saved, and we became very close!) But, in my growing-up years, if you wanted to be heard in our home, you had to speak up loudly and firmly!  So, I learned to say things as though they were the gospel truth, even when I was really unsure, or didn't even realize I was doing it!  This habit got me into a lot of trouble in my early years of marriage.  My husband pointed this trait out to me on more than one occasion.  I am still learning not to die on every hill, and to choose my battles (another phrase that my husband likes to use).  I *think* that I have learned this lesson: that prayer is more effective than my words, and that I don't need to say everything that comes into my mind!  These are some statements that I have thought to say to my children, and haven't.  "You can't go out looking like that!" "What were you thinking!"  "Surely you knew that _____"  "When did you start eating that? You don't like that (food)!"  "You're becoming ___, and you'd better change fast, or you're going to _____." But I have actually said much worse!

Now, in my own family and marriage, I see that "speaking our minds" is a characteristic which is "caught".  Do you women and girls who are reading this know how much influence you have on the atmosphere in your home?  I have been startled, shocked, amazed and humbled when I have made an effort to change my tone, at various and sundry times, prompted by the Holy Spirit, to be more _____ (fill in the blank: cheerful, gentle, encouraging, non-complaining/grateful, praising of others), and I have felt the spirit of our home completely transformed!

Lord, make me submissive

Give me a meek and quiet spirit

which is beautiful in Your sight.

Amen.

Thankful Thursday: Transparency

Thanks, Iris, at Grace Alone, for hosting this month!

Please visit to participate and to read other thankful hearts! 

 
Today is Thankful Thursday, and I am so grateful to God for the leading and conviction that He gives through the indwelling Holy Spirit. God is working in me right now--I know because there's a deep stirring in my heart--and I'm so aware of His presence. But I'm also aware that He's working on and in me, well...do you ever hear a speaker on the radio and the Lord brings their message to mind over and over in subsequent days and you're still thinking about how God wants to apply it in your life? Then you read a devotional, and somehow it ties in, then you read a Bible passage in your quiet time, and God causes you to cry out to Him in prayer. All the time, you feel that all of these are related and God is moving. I am deeply grateful for this work of the Holy Spirit in me.
 

There's a challenging post over at Faithful Bloggers on transparency in blogging. (Don't tune out if you're not a blogger, because it will apply to anyone who talks.)  I left a comment, but then realized it was really a post, so I share it with you here. This is near and dear to my heart. As Christians, how much, and what should we share? This applies whether we are writing a blog, talking with a friend over coffee, or whatever situation we are in where we are sharing details of our personal life. So, please read the post, and here are some of my thoughts on the subject.

"Great post. It really is a lie, if we project a whole different persona on our blog. There's nothing 'Christian' about it. We need to be women of integrity, but also not hypocritical. But here's where, for me, it becomes a 'fine line'. We are not called to share every little detail of our lives, undiscerningly, in an attempt to be 'real'. We are told to think on what is lovely, true, of good report, etc.(Philippians 4:8) and that includes what we say and cause others to think about on our blog. We have a responsibility to our readers, not to cause them to read what will not be edifying (building them up). If my "honesty" and "transparency" defiles, encourages others to lower their standards of holiness, or excuse sin, then I am causing others to stumble. Yes, I fail miserably, sin regularly, let myself and others down, but is it going to help, or hurt, another's Christian walk to share it? I am finding it increasingly important to ask the Lord, 'Should I share this? Is it necessary to reveal this? What do you want me to say? Will it help another or am I just making myself feel better about acting in an unChristlike way, or doing that stupid thing, by sharing it with someone else? Am I looking for comfort from others by hearing them say, 'Oh, yeah, I do that, too'? (Then I must not be so bad, after all?)'
I mention all these things because I struggle with this issue--when to share, what to share, how much detail to go into, what is edifying, what is defiling. I want to be above reproach. To have/keep a "good name" (Prov. 22:1) I don't want to ever bring the Lord's Name into reproach, or sully it. For me, it's not only being transparent that's important, but my motives. Putting forward a 'persona' may be to make myself look better, but 'telling all' may be to cause others to like me, and get more comments, 'friends' or whatever. I have given my blog to the Lord. I pray that He is always glorified by it, and that I would speak as He would speak, and live in such a way, that what I say and what I do are one.
Blessings,
Wendy @ Faith's Firm Foundation"
A couple of other thoughts occurred to me after posting this comment: I think it's important also to remember to be loyal to our families:  husbands, of course, but also, our children. Sometimes we feel free, as moms, to tell the most embarrassing stories about our children, as though they have no feelings. I have been guilty of this, and God's convicted me.

Perhaps this is more of an issue for people like me: really "out there" and open, honest (sometimes to a fault), wanting to see others' lives changed by Christ and so sharing some of my sins in an effort (consciously or unconsciously) to encourage others to examine their own lives for sin and repent of it, and grow in Christ.

I'm very thankful to the Lord today that He not only leads and convicts me, but gives me the power to do something about it, when I hear Him saying, "This way. Here's what you need to do."

Becoming A Titus 2 Woman: What Does It Mean To Be Reverent

The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5

Today, at Becoming Titus 2 in 2010, we're looking at what it means to be "reverent" (or "sober").  Wow, this has been an incredibly "meaty" study.  Though this is long, will you stick with me, and allow me to share what the Lord has been teaching me? It will be encouraging by the end, so hang in there.

1. This is supernatural.
2. It's to be taught.
3. It can be learned.
4. We "older" women aren't "perfect" at it, just have had more practice learning it.
5. When we don't demonstrate this quality, the Word of God is blasphemed, (or can be). 
6. Like everything else in our walk with the Lord, we need Him desperately, and only by His grace can we even begin to do this.

The first challenge, how to find out what "reverent" or "sober" means. Well, to begin, a word study is in order. Looking up "sober" led me to "temperate" which led me to (not having) "passion"--read on:

1. … habitually temperate 3. Not mad or insane; not wild, visionary or heated with passion; having the regular exercise of cool dispassionate reason. (not) tempestuous and blustering. 4. Regular; calm; not under the influence of passion; as sober judgment; a man in his sober senses. 2. Cool; calm; not marked with passion; not violent  5. (Not displaying passion, as it's defined by:) Violent agitation or excitement of mind, particularly such as is occasioned by an offense, injury or insult; hence, violent anger.

Sometimes it's easier to see what something is, by noting what it is not.  Studying the word sober, (with its synonym "temperate" which related to not having "passion" as defined above), I couldn't help but notice that a sober, reverent woman was not marked by "fits" and outbursts and anger and violent outrage. She's even-keeled, able to make "cool-headed" (and I would add, Biblical) decisions, she's not harboring bitterness, not "flying off the handle".  She isn't a storm moving around the house or erupting (tempestuous and blustering).  She is, in a word, calm.

From the Bible, what it doesn't mean:
A quick and cursory look at the lives of leading Bible characters tells us that being reverent/sober doesn't mean sitting quietly in a chair, never having any strong feelings or emotions.
The Lord brought David, a "man after God's own heart", and verses such as these, to mind as examples:

"The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid. 5 The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me. 6 In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears."Ps. 18:4-6
He prays in his calamity--"9 Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. 10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed."Ps. 31:9-10
A verse that is very dear to me: "Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and He shall hear my voice."Psalm 55:17
"From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. "Ps. 61:2
Ps. 77:2 shows a desperate man--"In the day of my trouble, I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed...I am so troubled that I cannot speak."
(Later in the same psalm he remembers the works of the Lord, all He has done, and says, "Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God? Thou art the God that doest wonders." This is key.)

And God Himself exhorts and encourages us: "Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver thee and thou shalt glorify me." Psalm 50:15 

David's prayers, filled with vehement emotion, and injunctions to "cry out" to God, clearly show that God, far from condemning a soul filled with emotion, accepts, no encourages, bringing our deep desires, hurts, and cares to Him.
David was also an example of strong affection for others: deep friendship characterized him.

So, God is not inditing us for feeling deeply within our souls, when He tells us to be reverent and sober (calm).

What being reverent indicates, to me, is what characterizes our outward demeanor.  Please don't be misled. I'm not advocating hypocrisy. What I am saying is that, our outward demeanor should demonstrate the truth of our convictions and faith, that we believe that God is in control, that He is able and mighty, that He loves us, and that we are trusting Him, even though we may be filled with emotions of every kind within.
(I need to include a caveat here: Some of us (women) who are naturally very emotional may need to try to control some of our emotions, not encourage them, so I am not encouraging us to give way to every emotional feeling that we have, but rather acknowledging that there are times in life of great emotion.)

I am to take all those deep feelings, emotions and cares, every burden of my soul, to Him. Leave it there. Trust in Him. Then, I am to act, in an outward expression of faith, calmly and reverently; I am to be ruled by my spirit, not my emotions, and my spirit is to be controlled by the Holy Spirit.  Let me repeat: I am not to be ruled by my emotions, and my outward behavior should demonstrate that.

That is calm, sober, reverent behavior.  We are not to be under the influence of passion, but it does not say we are not to have any passion, meaning fervor and emotion. (There are some passions and emotions which are forbidden as sin. We are told repeatedly in Scripture to Fear not, for instance. And we are told to be anxious for nothing. Fear, anxiety, worry are emotions which we can't make at home in our souls.) Our emotions and responses are to be ordered and controlled by the Spirit. But, obviously, from the example of David, emotions are not sin.

Titus 2:3-5 removes any preconceived notion we may have that reverence is an inborn trait, and natural. It is learned, it can be taught, we can improve in the skill, but it is supernatural. Without Christ, this is impossible. The natural man knows nothing of this "calm," reverent behavior. It is so foreign to the world, that it is one of the traits that will cause people to ask you for a reason of the hope that is within you. When you are mistreated, insulted, abused, and you do not give way to anger. When you remain calm in times of overwhelming circumstances, people will ask you your secret. This is why satan wants us to fail in this area. It is a great testimony to the world. And the way we act, as wives and mothers, greatly influences our family's behavior, especially our children's.

We must cry out to God, for there will be times when we are overwhelmed. There will be times when we are tempted to respond to insult, injury and offense with anger. There are, at times, storms raging in our souls. God, through His Spirit at work in us, is our only hope. He says we can overcome, and so we must make effort every day, but we must know that it is only by His strength that we will be victorious over sin.  Being reverent/sober is a command, not a suggestion, with a dire warning: that the Word of God be not blasphemed.

It is a lie from satan that those outbursts, those fits, those times of giving way to worry, fear and anxiety, those times that "I just lost it", are acceptable and normal.  No, I am sinning. The steps to take in those cases are to confess my sin to God and those I have offended, to ask God for help to change, to commit to steps which will bring a different outcome next time, to spend time in God's Word and in prayer, crying out to God for help and strength.

I will therefore that the younger women...give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. 1 Timothy 5:14 (Nor the older women.)

There will be times when we will fail. This is very humbling. But, with the humbling to our souls from failing, from having to ask forgiveness, and from being on my knees before the Lord begging for help, comes grace. God gives grace to the humble.

Remember the saying, "It's not where you're at that counts, but the direction you're going." Let's remember that God is there to help us, and by God's grace, let's go in the right direction.

"Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord.  Lord, hear my voice: let thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.  If thou, Lord, shouldest mark (keep track of) iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in His Word do I hope."  Psalm 130:1

A Prayer of Repentance and Request for God's Help:
"Lord, I am not calm in the worldly sense and often I am not calm in the spiritual sense. I feel things so strongly. I (over)react often. Father, at times I am a storm: tempestuous and blustering. Please forgive me for acting even wildly, at times, and for being given to extreme emotion (extremely agitated and sometimes even angry) in the face of insult, "injury" or offense. Lord, please change me by Your Spirit that I may demonstrate a regularity of calmness, and the ability to exercise cool, dispassionate reason. May I know how to be a woman of stability and sober judgment, that I may demonstrate to a needy world that reverent, sober, calm spirit which You alone can give, that Your Word may not be blasphemed, and I may be a testimony to all of Your grace and love."

Hospitality: Lord, Help Me Not Be A "Ghastly Guest"

*Disclaimer: This post is based on no particular person, real or fictional, and any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental, not intentional, on the writer's part.

Oh, Lord, may I be winsome and kind, loving and other-centered, full of humility, grace and with the heart of a servant, as You are. Let me never show the qualities of The Ghastly Guest.  In speaking of this kind of "person" may I still show the love of Christ.  Use these words in the lives of my readers, Lord, but oh, Lord, use it in mine, as well. Amen.

     Writing about the Ghastly Guest has been more difficult than I, at first, imagined.  Perhaps it is conviction. On the other hand, perhaps it feels condemning and mean to speak so, even of an "imaginary" person.  Please bear with me as I attempt to describe and paint a picture of those whom we do not want to resemble.  Of course, this is the most exaggerated painting, with features all out of balance.  Still, "welcome" The Ghastly Family.
     The Ghastly Family is coming to dinner. They are self-centered, demanding, thoughtless, inconsiderate, greedy, over-everything: overtalking, overstaying, overbearing, but sometimes they are overquiet, over-speedily leaving and overaccomodating!  They're either Too loud or Too Quiet, Too comfortable or Too uncomfortable, but they're always inconsiderate, showing bad manners, sometime bad language. At times they can be crude, and coarse. May I describe one visit?
     The Ghastly Family arrives very late, as usual, and doesn't bother to call to let you know they will be late.  You know they have arrived before they came to the door--the whole neighborhood knows.  The little boys push past their parents, and spread out heading into all the rooms. Shut doors are no obstacle to them. Opening bedrooms, they head straight for your jewelry, and open cases, spreading things on the floor and bed. They threaten to drink or wash in your oils and lotions, before you catch up with them. Their mother is oblivious to where they are, what they are doing, or too laid-back to care. The girls have found your daughter's favorite doll, and are ripping her clothes off, and after discarding her carelessly, they take out, one by one, each and every game from the closet, never putting away one before taking out another, not stopping or desiring to play the game--no, their goal seems to be to create a scene of utter chaos in as short a time as possible. While you are attempting to entertain their parents, your children are helplessly trying to save their belongings, or perhaps they have been drawn into the behavior of mass destruction. The decibel level is now ear-shattering. You go to investigate, and they appear to be "playing," so you merely tell them to keep the noise to a lower level. A suggestion of a quiet activity is given, before returning to your adult guests. During the evening, these children will ask for many items which your children either don't have or are not allowed to play with. They will boldly ask for food, they will expect that your children are their servants, and tell them what to do, taking the role of "boss," instructing as to which game to play, who will go first, how the game is played, what your child(ren) are lacking in experiences, possessions, etc. Your children may hear words and about situations which you never intended for them to hear, ever.
     Any one of the members of this family, including the adults, will sit on the arms of the furniture (no matter how large these people are).  They will touch and handle your possessions, (no matter how precious or fragile), they will eat, to the last crumb, whatever you have sitting out for guests; the children will stand on beds and furniture, will rearrange items on tables and shelves, and the parents will not see or take any steps to supervise their children, leaving this to you. If you are put in this uncomfortable position, their children will look at you with an astounded expression, as though they are listening to a foreign language. They may stop their inappropriate behavior temporarily (more out of shock than obedience), but you will find them right back at it within moments.
     Mr. Ghastly thinks nothing of reading whatever you have laying out.  The Ghastly children really don't want to play and anything that's suggested sounds "boring." They don't want to share with anyone else.  The younger girl Ghastly screams and screams when her older brother pushes her down--he wants her nowhere near, for he sees that one of the toys is coveted, so he must be the one to have it. He assures everyone, however, that he has one just like it at home, only "better." But he will condescend to play with this one while here, (until some other smaller child wants a different toy, and then he will want that one, too.)
     Mr. Ghastly loudly tells of his latest achievements, and drops the names, as often as possible, of "important" and influential people with whom he has had contact.  Mrs. Ghastly corrects her husband on unimportant details of his story which makes Mr. Ghastly become irritated, even angry. When Mr. Ghastly is angry, he turns to sarcasm as his weapon against her (sometimes yelling and swearing) and the tension in the room escalates.  Mrs. Ghastly retreats to the kitchen, belittling her husband's behavior goodnaturedly (but still disrespectfully) on her way--she is always right, you know, and the sooner he realizes it, the better.  She then boasts of her latest bargain, which she's wearing--"You wouldn't believe how cheaply I got this!"  While you finish preparations for a tasty, but simple dinner, she manages to let out pieces of information about several other accomplishments in her family:  "Little Johnny is trained already, at only 9 months old! And Susie is reading at the second grade level--everyone says it's amazing for only 4!  And we were invited to that new family's house--have you been there yet? "They are Soooo Nice--we had the most wonderful time--Wow, she's amazing! Her home is spotless; she's a gourmet cook, she homeschools all 15 children, and she leads 2 Bible studies on the subject of Hospitality and Submission! I just love her! You should meet her!"  Then, in her most helpful tone, "You know, dear, if you'd like, I can tell you where you can get help for your Jimmy--I know his 'problem' must really distress you.  But don't worry, dear, I know just the person that can help you."  All the time she's talking, her eyes take in every inch of your kitchen, and you, and you feel pretty much like a failure by the time she's done.  She manages to make you feel judged, sized-up and shot down, and she really isn't saying anything, is she? It's just something about the way she acts.
     The baby has been screaming since the Ghastly Family entered.  Mrs. Ghastly pretty much ignores him, but bounces him continually on her hip while talking. His cries are not due to hunger or needing a change of diaper, but seem to be a response to the general tenor of the family. She has learned to ignore him.  Earlier, Mrs. Ghastly nursed him in the living room where the men are talking (well, Mr. Ghastly is talking) (something so "natural" as nursing isn't really immodest, and is a beautiful thing, so it shouldn't matter who is there, and she does cover up, though sometimes she has a little trouble getting everything adjusted).  She did notice your husband divert his eyes, and he did look a bit embarrassed, but obviously he has a problem, and needs to "get over it." This accomplished, causing no little commotion, she followed up by plopping down on the floor to deal with a very smelly diaper that needed changing, saying, "You don't mind if I change him right here, do you?"  Promptly throwing the offensive object in the kitchen garbage container, it continues to offend all through the remainder of the evening. 
     During dinner, the Ghastly Children slouch in their chairs, looking dismal.  They whine, cry, scream and those old enough to speak, complain about the food--"Yuck!" says one, pushing his plate away with disgust, spilling milk all over the tablecloth.  Mrs. Ghastly spends her whole meal pleading, coaxing and prodding them, her voice growing more and more perturbed, as she clearly is disgusted with this mealtime ritual.  (But not too disgusted to do something about it.)  Making excuses for them to you, she continues to try to sell them on eating "something," promising them dessert if they will just eat "one bite."  Mr. Ghastly seems oblivious to their presence, unless Mrs. Ghastly calls his attention to it.  One child likes to kick his foot against the table leg, another enjoys banging his cup on the table, while a third is clanking her spoon on the plate--it's a chaotic chorus of noise and bedlam! Conversation is difficult, to say the least, but Mr. Ghastly manages to raise his voice loud enough to be heard above the din.  Mr. Ghastly takes one bite and then goes on and on: he RAVES about his wife's recipe for the same dish. You feel like picking up your food and going home--except you are home, so where can you go? The only thing left is to wish they'd leave as soon as possible.  Several children who slipped away from the table to play, return wondering where dessert is.  By the time the meal is done most of the floor, tablecloth and chairs are covered with food. You are glad that this part of the visit is almost over, because being in the middle of this noise and tension has given you a splitting headache.  Ghastly Family leaves the table as though there's a fire, scraping their chairs, children racing to get to the favorite toys first.  (Only one toy is broken so far.  Too bad it was your oldest's favorite, a gift specially given by Grandma. No, of course Mr. and Mrs. Ghastly will not make their child buy a new one or even apologize.)  Oh, did I mention no one offers to help with the dishes, or clears their place at the table, and that the children leave the house strewn with toys and game pieces, dolls and dollclothes?  Tomorrow, you will find three things which the Ghastlys left at your house--not important things, but sometime they'll get them from you.

Lack of love is at the core of the Ghastly Family's ghastliness.

     Let's look at 1 Corinthians 13 and compare it to the qualities of a Ghastly Guest. "Charity suffereth long and is kind." (verse 4) The Ghastlys are demanding, expecting you to serve them, never satisfied, always expecting more, and don't show or express gratitude for what you do give them. They are impatient with each other, and you walk on eggshells while around them, fearing their displeasure with every aspect of the visit. "Charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up." (verse 4) Perhaps it's because they are insecure, but the Ghastlys envy you for every blessing of the Lord you've received while they boast about every little thing about themselves: their plans, their children, their accomplishments, their bargains, their spouses, everything. "Charity is not easily provoked." The Ghastly children explode over every infringement (or perceived infringement) of "their rights." They even break out into fighting at times. Generally, at times, the whole Ghastly Family (including adults) is irritable with you and everyone else. But, not always. You see, they're sort of moody, so you never quite know what to expect of them. And some of them have pretty bad tempers.


     I think you've heard enough...  It makes me tired just to write about this visit! That's because the Ghastly Family is Exhausting!  You can't wait for them to leave.  You breathe a sigh of relief when they are gone.  Now you can finally enjoy the peace and quiet again and sit down and relax.
     May we always show love, whether showing hospitality, or receiving it as guests.

Thoughts on Building A Strong Godly Family

     I was thinking the other day of the spiritual disciplines and habits which strengthen a life and a family, of things that I would say to a young wife or mom if I was sitting having tea with her in my home...things started to pop into my mind, like popcorn--this is the rough outline, although many other thoughts which would be points under the main points came to mind, too, but here's the "short" list. If anyone's interested, I may expound on these later. (I won't be posting this weekend, but after the Marriage Conference I may share some.  Speaking of which, pray for all of us (38) couples--if the rest of them have had the buffeting that we've had this week, it must be some powerful stuff that we're going to hear--pray that God will bear much fruit through it.)  So, until Monday, this is kind of a list of some of the principles and thinking that guided our raising of our family.  We didn't have Godly mentors and advisors when we were first married, so much of it came later, but if I'd had it to do over again, I would have lived this way from the beginning of our marriage. So here's the condensed list of "What We Did," and would recommend for you and your marriage and family.

• Turn your hearts to Home
• Stay Home
• A Rare Thing: Someone else puts the children to bed
• Almost Never: Go away and leave them with Anyone
• Let your husband be the provider, completely
• Children thrive on "routine"--Same thing every day/and every week:  It makes them feel secure
• Make your Children Live out "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends"(see book info at bottom of post): Children play together--all ages; Making forts under blankets, playing "store," puppets, skating, "Capture the Flag," Sledding, No church "programs," No sports "programs" (or very little)
• Children take music lessons together
• Simplify your life
• Picture a Godly Grandma and Grandpa scene: Aim for that
• Write out what you want your children to become (Biblical): Picture the Godly adult that you want them to be and describe him/her on paper
• Build Spiritual Disciplines into your life:  1)Read the Bible Daily (Read through in a year) 2)Pray--Organize your Prayer Life; pray Morning, evening and mealtimes together 3)Go to Church Every Sunday--Don't Miss 4)Fast weekly 5)Tithe and Give Offerings 6)Honor Parents and Elderly--Be under authority as children and under Counsel as adults 7)Do Good Works (not to be saved, but because you're saved) 8)Be Baptized (Not to be saved, but out of obedience and following the Lord's example--encourage your children to be baptized by immersion soon after they're truly saved)
• Read Edifying Books Aloud--as a Couple and later as a Family
• Get rid of the TV
• Listen to Godly Teaching (Tapes, Stories):  e.g. John MacArthur, Elisabeth Elliot
• Listen to Fine and Godly Music: Put no vile thing before your eyes (or ears); Edifying melodic music, Excellent Classical music--e.g. Handel, Vivaldi, etc.
• (Always) Go Places as a Family--Make this a Non-Decision--Love Being Together As A Family!--"We go everywhere together" (If you go places to get away from your children, your children will do the same for you when they enter the teen years)
• Do Things Together:  Games, Puzzles, Field Trips, Serving

Why Serve?  Serving promotes a selfless attitude, becoming other-centered; it makes you aware of the needs of others, fulfills the gospel, gives opportunities to witness through words and actions, makes you aware of people you can pray for, and it makes you thankful!

Couple and Family Serving Ideas

(All of these ideas have been tried and tested out by a Family--Ours!)

1. Widows: Find a grandma or your grandma--visit, sing a hymn, play your piano piece, make cookies, play a game, sit by them and look at their pictures, or color, or read a story; bring sandwiches and eat with them; bring daisies from your garden or the grocery store
2. Do all the above at a Nursing Home (or go with a group and sing for/with them on a regular monthly or bi-monthly basis)
3. Go to a Food Shelf and volunteer (probably good for ages 8+ or mature younger)
4. Fare for All:  (If you have this program in your area) Volunteer (ages 6+ maybe)
5. Meals on Wheels: Take the whole family, but, if you have a large family, rotate taking only some of the children to the door--take your little ones!
6. Pray for the people you meet through your volunteering!
7. Call your small town City Hall and ask if they need help in any way (ages 8+) (We did this and folded and stuffed envelopes with our mayor.  He learned something about Homeschooling families and he was impacted for Christ, we hope, and we had an opportunity to learn about him and also the history of our community, which he had grown up in, which was very, very interesting!)

Be counter-cultural!  Be different because you believe in Jesus Christ!  Cause people to ask, What makes you different?  Why are you doing this?  And then

Tell Them About Jesus!

*"Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" by Sarah, Stephen and Grace Mally.

Titles that I wish I'd read earlier: "A Full Quiver" by Rick and Jan Hess; "Shaping of a Christian Family" by Elisabeth Elliot; "A Peaceful Home" by Elisabeth Elliot (video) 

Friendship and Marriage

Continuing on the subject of marriage, my sister once commented to me quite casually, "Well, you know, the kind of person you are friends with is the kind of person you will marry!" This, at the time, while so obvious, was extremely profound to me! I still remember exactly where we were when she said this: sitting on our respective beds in our shared bedroom. I had thought, at the time, that I could associate with one kind of person while I was still young, and then when I got older and wanted to "get serious," I would suddenly attract a person of much higher and more excellent character to marry me. I was around 14 or 15, while she was the wise old age of 19 or 20! I was obviously not only young, but naíve (and much more importantly, not saved yet).

Today I read from a wonderful old book on our bookshelf called How to be a Lady, Useful Hints on the Formation of Womanly Character*, and chanced upon some valuable "nuggets of wisdom" that seem to my mind to apply. (I love this book for its wisdom and practicality! An easy read, though written in the style of the 1850's--the time in which it was originally written, it's made up of many short chapters.) Chapter 21 deals with the influence of friendships on our character. Summarizing: Every association and event in our life affects our character in some small way. The author speaks of two kinds of society: "general" society and "particular" society. "General society" is that which we have no choice in--people we cannot escape being with on a day-to-day basis. "Particular society" refers to the close friends we choose for ourselves. Though we cannot avoid some influence from bad associations (in "general society,") we can and must choose our closest friends (our "particular society") wisely. This is in perfect agreement with Scripture, as it says in Proverbs 13:20, "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed." The word "companion" in the Bible refers to someone you keep company with: a good friend, not just an acquaintance.

Now, I am an outgoing person. When I was young, I would become "best friends" instantly with every new person I met. I wasn't very discerning of character, I'm afraid. (and I wasn't in possession of greatness in it myself!) But my mother tried to help me. You see, I come from a long line of "outgoing" people. My mother told me stories from her past of bad experiences she'd had because of "becoming too thick too fast" and not choosing friendships wisely--the same undiscerning behaviour I displayed. She warned me (from her own experience), "It's easier to warm up than to cool down. You can always become better friends, but it's hard to back off in a relationship without someone getting hurt. Take your time and get to know the person." Newcomb sounds just like my mother: "But everyone needs intimate friends; and it is necessary that these should be well chosen. A bad friend may prove your ruin. You should therefore be slow and cautious in the formation of intimacies and friendships. Do not be suddenly taken with anyone, and so enter into a hasty friendship; for you may be mistaken, and soon repent of it. There is much force in the old adage, 'All is not gold that shines.'"

He doesn't stop there, though. He adds this instruction on how to accomplish this, "You may be courteous and polite to all, wherever and whenever you meet them, and yet maintain such a prudent reserve, and cautious deportment as not to be much exposed to contamination, if they should not prove suitable companions." (p. 173)

In wisdom, the author warns not to pick up any friend who disregards the Lord's commandments, but even if they seem a good choice for a friend, find out what your parents think of them before you let your guard down and become really close. You can still be polite in the meantime. Also, give them a chance to decide if they want you for a friend. They may have valid objections to something in your character, so don't force your friendship on them, but take it slow, (as my mother used to tell me). But don't be snobbish or cliquish. When groups gather, be kind and polite, but be careful not to open yourself up to bad influences.

Quoting again: "Character is formed under a great variety of influences. Sometimes a very trifling circumstance gives direction to the whole course of one's life. (ed.: Such as resulting in a marriage!) And every incident that occurs, from day to day, is exerting a silent, gradual influence, in the formation of your character. Among these influences, none are more direct and powerful than that exerted upon us by the companions with whom we associate; for we insensibly fall into their habits." And so I would propose that who one spends much time with will become their close friend, and who is one's close friend, they will become like. And who one becomes like, they will be attracted to, and they will attract, and who they attract, they will marry! So, the kind of person we choose to be a close friend is serious business. I believe my sister was right: the kind of person you are friends with is the kind of person you will marry.

(* How to Be a Lady, Written by Harvey Newcomb, originally written in 1850, Boston, Gould, Kendall and Lincoln and reprinted in 2005 by Crown Rights Book Company: for a catalogue listing of other available titles, go here http://www.crownrights.com/ )